Part 13: Why do I exist?
I ended the previous blog-post in the Creating Joy series by sharing the realisation that I had come to that I truly am not responsible for anyone else. With this realisation there was an initial rush of exhilarating energy that charged through my being. It felt like I truly was letting myself out of jail. Not only were complications in my life eased but I could feel that I was freeing myself of a host of burdens that I, as Arn, don’t even know of. Ancient burdens of the soul were being shed like old tatty clothes falling like rags from my body. I felt light and free and it felt wonderful. But no sooner had this process started than I also began to feel the arrival of the next objection: If I am not here to help others then why am I here? And if I am not here to find ways to atone for past sins then why am I here?
With these questions, what was arising in my awareness was the realisation that I had attached my sense of purpose to the belief that I was in some way responsible for others: either directly or indirectly. It seemed apparent that I was carrying the belief that I either was here to assist others or I was here to deal with my own previous wrong-doings. Or perhaps both together: perhaps I even believed I was here to help others as a means of balancing the ancient wrongs I felt guilty of!
So I faced another objection: retain the comfort that comes from the sense of purpose that taking responsibility for others brought to me, or keep choosing for Joy and relinquish utterly the belief that I am in any way responsible for others.
I chose Joy of course. But the objection still needed to be dealt with. If I am not here for others… then what am I here for?
I toyed with this one for quite some time. I guess one can say that this was an existential crisis of a sort: Why do I exist? What is my purpose? I could scarcely believe I was re-addressing these same tired old questions yet again. But, of course, I was here again precisely because I had never conclusively answered them before.
This time, it seemed, I could say for sure that my purpose was not about others. It was about me. But what is it? What am I here for?
As I was pondering this I found an answer arising from deep within my being. It spoke not only to my purpose but more germanely to my sense of “not-belonging”… to that strange feeling that my home is not in this world… that I am the eternal stranger in a strange land.
I have transcribed what I received as best as I could. It went something like this:
"My dear Arn… That place of "not home" that you now reside in, is not so much a planet or even a reality... it is a state of consciousness. And this state of consciousness is actually “not-knowing". It is being deeply beyond the veil of forgetting. So in "not-knowing" you do not know that you are safe, that things are okay, that all is proceeding according to plan and that you are doing exactly what you should be doing right now. You do not know. And in your not-knowing your fears rise to the surface. Because you don't trust yourself utterly and completely, you fear that you will “mess up”. You fear that you are on the wrong track. And as you struggle with each and every choice of any significance that faces you, so you fear that you will make the wrong one.
But the difficulty for you is that you have held on to a deep memory that somehow made it across the veil. You remember a time before this incarnation when all was well. You remember feeling safe. You remember KNOWING. And so, when contrasted with how you feel now, you wish simply to leave this place and to return Home.
But where is Home and how will you get there? Home is not a different planet, of course. It is also not a different reality. It is a state of consciousness which resides outside of the veil of forgetting. It is therefore Remembering... or perhaps more correctly, Knowing.
But before we explore the returning to Knowing, first you might take a moment to pat yourself on the back. You are doing well. Your response to "not-knowing" is, quite simply a yearning to return to "knowing". This is good! Previously you have responded to not-knowing in other more destructive ways. And if you look around you, you will see many other souls engaged in all kinds of painful acts: hurting themselves, hurting others, acting out their confusion and fear. This is a "younger" response to not-knowing. This is what one does until one learns not to behave in this way. So feel compassion for those around you that are still in self-destruct mode, for they are doing exactly as you have done. And you can know too that in divine, right time they too will come to a change of heart. They too will tire of the hurt. They too will seek instead after knowing. Just as many have, before you all through the ages of humanity. So, without prideful thoughts of being “better than” others, you can simply notice that you have let go of a destructive response to your “not-knowing” and this is cause for a small self-congratulation. And the improved new response is, quite simply, to seek knowing.
But how to seek knowing whilst still in “not-knowing”?
I shall tell you a little secret: The knowing you seek is within you. It always has been. The veil is an illusion. It is created with fear. As you feel that fear, so you are separated from knowing. And now, at the last, you create a paradoxical conundrum for yourself. You find yourself in not-knowing and it causes you to feel fear. As a result of this fear you wish to leave not-knowing. But it is your fear that keeps you there which makes you feel fear. A viscous circle indeed!
You fantasize that leaving incarnation, which all will eventually do, will bring you freedom. But the relief you will find will be temporary. Leaving incarnation is like changing perspective. You find yourself on the other side of the coin. And on that side, it is true, there is much greater knowing. But since you simply LEFT the problem… since you did not RESOLVE the problem… some part of you remains stuck in it and will do so until you DO resolve it. So you will simply have to return to incarnation until it is resolved. Again and again as many times as it takes, you will come back until you have resolved this issue and truly freed yourself.
So to reiterate: you are on the other side of the veil of not-knowing and that veil is maintained with fear. So the question becomes "how do you overcome your fear?"
The usual and obvious response is that one overcomes fear by finding the knowing that you are safe and okay and all is well. This always fails because, of course, “knowing” is one thing you cannot do beyond the veil. And hence the viscous circle.
It is just as well, then, that there is another way. Instead of trying to overcome the fear you can simply pay it no mind. Give yourself over to finding and expressing that which brings you the greatest joy while still there in that reality. And there is MUCH to be joyful of there! If you cease expending your energy on your yearning for Home and spend it instead on BEING THERE... but being there in love and joy... then the fears also become irrelevant. When you bring your energy to bear, when you ground yourself, then you will truly FIND YOURSELF there in that place of not-knowing. When you find yourself then you know who and what you are.
Do you see? Then you KNOW. And when you know then you are not beyond the veil of unknowing. Then you ARE Home. Then leaving "that place" and going to "another place" is a trivial matter of making a choice about your location. But the important thing is that you will then always and forever be Home... no matter where you go.
And here is a final thought to leave you with: You have decided that you are not responsible for others. This is true. But as you release yourself of the inappropriate burden of taking responsibility for the happiness of others, you cannot of course expect someone else to be taking responsibility for YOUR happiness. This means that you, and only you must accept the appropriate charge of taking responsibility for your own happiness. Finding and expressing your own greatest joy IS your responsibility. And not only is this up to you but you MUST actually do this as this is also your most direct path Home. "
And so it is that I received one of the most useful and valuable bits of information that I ever have from my Inner-Self. Truly, it seems I resolve my sense of alienation and disconnection in the same way that I resolve my fear. It is also the same way I find my way through the veil. In fact, as I think of it, the single answer to all the issues that I have been wrestling with is, quite simply to immerse myself in that which brings me the greatest joy.
But isn’t that where I started out?
Yes it is! But something important has shifted for me. I understand now that I really and truly don’t need to worry about all this other stuff. It is not my problem. All I need to do is to seek my own highest Joy.
Can it be as simple as this: I exist to be happy!
Exactly what my highest Joy is and how I go about finding and expressing it… is what I will share with you in the next blog post.