Day 5: Okay, but so what?
It seems I may have just hit my second objection. This one IS unexpected! I discover that I can reliably self-emote the joy I wish to feel and, wonders upon wonders, this is quite reliably leading to me being happy all day long. It seems as if things are flowing more smoothly than they otherwise would have. I am not struggling with anything much and I’m not snagging on the people or events around me. In short: I intended to be happy and I am… and no real reason for me not to be happy is rearing its head. Great, right? Except I have very unexpectedly hit a strange sense of “okay, now what?” about all this. I wanted to be happy. I am happy. So… umm… what do I do with myself now?
Could I, after only 5 days, be bored with being happy? Is it even possible to be bored with happiness? Or is there something else going on? I realised there was a new question that I needed to ask:
“What more could I want than to just be happy?”
I decided to meditate upon this and had some very interesting experiences which I’d like to share with you.
My normal meditation protocol is to lie down on my bed and then to sequentially relax my body from my feet up to the top of my head. This really works well for me and it is also the mechanism I use most often in the guided meditations I offer. On this occasion I had a very strange, almost painful, “tightness” around my spine in my middle-back. I definitely didn’t notice this before I began the session but the more I tried to “let go” and deepen my meditation the more acute it became. I realised that this painful blockage was directly related to the issue at hand. My query (what more could I want than to just be happy) was somehow related to this pain. So I decided to go there. I moved my self into the pain. And suddenly I was in a huge space: a vast empty plane. It was all white and there was nothing and no-one there but me. I then became aware that there was a boundary to this space; that, in fact, I was in the middle of a dome-covered area. As I became aware of that, so my consciousness expanded and I was also aware that there was life and activity beyond the boundaries of that dome. It seems I had found myself in isolation. I was separate from all the rest of life. I was peaceful and content in my private universe inside the dome. And, yes, I could make myself happy in there, no problem. But so what? And in that moment I knew it to be true: I have been isolating myself from the rest of life. I have been drawing a protective curtain between myself and this world. All of this is true. There are reasons for that. Readers of Book 1 of The Ascension Papers will know that I have some past-life drama about how I previously misused power to do harm. I guess I am STILL dealing with the after-shock of that experience.
It was incredibly useful, however, to see this dome… this artifice of separation that I had created to keep myself protected from others. Seeing it brought to me the realisation that there was a choice to be made: Do I want to keep my soul isolated from others because of the stories I have previously told myself and the lives I have previously lived? Or do I want to change my mind and allow all the teeming life that I could perceive just beyond the perimeter of my protective dome to come swarming in? Neither option sounded very attractive. Whenever I am unsure of what to do, I always go to my heart. For me it is true that my heart is my connection to my Higher Self. My deepest knowing, my intuition, comes to me from my heart. And so again, in this meditation, I went to my heart. I was immediately aware of a guiding wisdom: “Don’t just allow EVERYONE in! Invite those that are right for you to engage with inside. Those that are wrong for you, for now, can remain outside.”
And with that, a fundamental issue was brought into clear focus for me. Here suddenly was the answer to my original query which went, I am sure you remember, “What more could I want than to just be happy?”
What I want is to share a world with other beings that KNOW, as a fact of their existence, that All is One. I want this so much that I am prepared to work very hard to co-create such a world. This is my vision and this is my purpose. I want that more than I want to just be happy. In fact I want it so much that I am willing to endure a great deal of unhappiness to get it. I will put up with suffering and misery to get it. I want THAT more than happiness. Which is odd because, I truly believe, getting that will be a wonderfully happy thing.
I’d like to break this down for you to explain the above paragraph.
I believe I decided to enter this whole reality with the sole soul purpose of bringing a message of the Oneness of All here into separation. I am certainly not the only one bringing this message! Not by a very, very long chalk. All through the ages this message has been brought. It is not a new message. But I am brining it in my unique way. I bring it with a unique energy. It is, as I say, my very reason for being in this reality. This is the most important thing to me. It is more important than being happy and more important than anything else to me.
In order to be here and to do what I have to do I have put myself though a great deal of unhappiness, fear, pain and suffering. I don’t claim to have suffered more than anyone else. I don’t make any comparisons at all. All I am saying is that I was willing to forgo peace and happiness to fulfill this chosen purpose of mine. So I have already proven that I want this more than being happy.
But as a result of this trauma, I isolated myself. I did this in many ways. I separated myself from my true power by making some powerfully self-limiting choices about myself and then I separated myself from others by choosing to fear that I would hurt them or that they would hurt me. Fine. But I can’t fulfill my soul purpose of bringing Oneness when I am confining myself in separation now can I?
And so, if you can follow the somewhat tortuous reasoning with me, you will probably be able to see why I came to the new decision I did. I decided to open my protective shield to let in those that wish to share in what I have to offer. And I have much to offer. I bear this message of oneness and the energy and light of delight. I want to share that. It is the gift I am created to give. And by making the choice this way: by choosing to allow in those that wish to partake in this gift I make the choice not to engage in energy exchange that I do not choose. The negative and dark stuff that is also possible but that causes separation. The painful stuff that I have gained enough wisdom to know to avoid. The hurtful and abusive stuff that causes us all to pull back into our protective shells. I simply choose NOT to engage in such exchanges. There are many that still want to play with those toys. That’s fine. But they are not welcome in here near to me. Those that wish that, can play together somewhere else where it has nothing to do with me and is not my problem. When they find that those toys bring them nothing but pain and self-destruction and they become willing to engage actively in their own healing and to move joyfully and with love back towards Oneness then, assuredly, I will be willing to engage with them. I will be MOST willing to assist them even to heal the harm they caused themselves while playing with those dark and negative games.
And with that choice, the choice to invite in those that are willing to co-create a journey back to unity consciousness, there was the most wonderful sound. A joyful “hurrah” and suddenly they came flooding in from all sides. And I knew I was surrounded by beings with whom I felt right.
I gifted myself the luxury of just being there: in that moment, in that space, surrounded by the most amazing beings of light and joy. Beings who were wanting to receive what I had to offer and who, in return, wanted to give to me and each other their soul’s gifts. I was happy. Really happy. There was a kind of a buzzing thrum of energy that filled my soul and radiated through my body. It became so powerful that it sort of shook me right out of my meditation.
What an awesome experience! Most meditations are, for me, quiet moments of stillness where, possibly, an awareness slowly dawns. Very, very few are full-blown experiences like this! And I am so grateful for it.
So, you see, I arrived at an objection to my decision to choose happiness. It is useful to see that sometimes objections are valid. The point is not just to mindlessly carry on working to overcome the objections that arise. One has to look at the objection and weigh it up. In this case, it turns out that there is indeed something I want more than my own happiness. I want Oneness.
So this whole experience was incredibly useful. As I discovered this realisation about myself I discovered that I really need to make myself about Oneness rather than about just making myself happy. What I am saying is that I realised that I needed to re-align my self with my higher purpose. I need to go about doing what I came here to do when I entered this reality in the first place. And I need to allow for interaction and co-creation with those that are walking this same path. Okay! So now I know. So what next?
I’m going to have to give that some thought and see…